I’ve noticed an increasing number of opinion pieces and social media posts commenting on the phenomenon of white privilege. Usually I ignore this fluff because, well, fuck it, I think it’s a load of bullshit. Not the concept, just the tired, dreary “whites must basically shut the fuck up” tone of the narrative. Cool. Fine. No problem.
Whiteys have definitely had it pretty good in this place for a long time. Woo hoo for Whitey, in fact.
But come on. Seriously, the psychobabble, pseudo-intellectual (are those words, I don’t know, but they seem suitable mocking) bollocks that ends up being written by some numb nuts in an oversized tie-dye shirt with Incan prayer beads dangling from the neck is a crock of shit. I might be wrong. I probably am. It’s just what I think.
One such waffle-fest caught my eye this weekend on the appropriately named Mail & Guardian Thought Leader (all other pompous white names already belonged to the Daily Maverick) blog.
Titled A comprehensive guide to white privilege in South Africa, I initially thought, "hmmm, just what I've been looking for on this Sunday afternoon."
Before clicking on the link I noticed all manner of plaudits being sent the way of the author via social networks. “Should be interesting,” I said to Rocket the dog, who immediately urged me not to open the piece lest her doggie privilege be taken away.
Well, knock me down with a call for sanctions, but I am enlightened. I didn’t actually realise what a horrible, white person I was.
Release the burden
To make sure you don’t fall into the same trap, I’ve assembled this handy guide for understanding white privilege and the steps you can take to hand over your white privilege. Follow me, be free, release the burden of being a whitey…
Are you a white family with a black maid or gardener? Well, guess what you racists? You're actually demeaning their very existence. Fire them. Fire them now. Stop employing people through your neo-colonial liberal view of the world, you enslaving masters of white superiority. Wash your own fucking dishes for once, white pricks. What? You give to charity too, and to a bursary fund for previously disadvantaged kids at your old university. Jesus Christ, why don’t you just put a bumper sticker on your car that says "I hate blacks". It’ll be more obvious that you’re trying to subjugate the masses then.
Do you wake up in the morning and worry about making ends meet, paying the school fees, wondering if you have enough money for petrol, hoping that today is the day you might get a raise, fret over your job security? Huh, you do? Well, believe it or not, you miserable racist scum bug, that’s the most racist thing you can do. How can you live in South Africa and not worry about the poor people. Forget about your capitalist constructs. Do some good. Give someone a job for fuck sakes. Though not a black person, because that’s an insult. You are so fucked, man.
Tweeting for rhinos, hey? Worried about the icecaps melting, hmmm? Concerned that your children will have to go online just to see some of the animals that once roamed this continent. Ja, I’ll bet you are, you racist, white supremacist prick. How dare you. HOW DARE YOU. Fuck the animals. Fuck them.
Do you go to the shops and buy clothes? Clothes, goddamit?! And then wear them in front of black people. What is your problem? Do you even understand that spending money is more racist than saying “I’m not racist, but…”
You’re probably reading this on a laptop or tablet or smartphone, aren’t you, you superior white colonialist. You probably have a white sheet on your head too. Fucking racist. Stop being so privileged.
Worried about crime, the country’s future, the safety of your children? Oh my god, you’re so white you probably do the awkward white man handshake in your head every time you see a black man approaching you in the street.
You watch English Premiership and Jamie Oliver on DStv, don’t you, you vile black-hating cretin. Can you say “apartheid” because that’s exactly what you’re thinking when you watch these programmes. I don’t understand it either, but that’s exactly what you’re doing, HF.
White privilege is writing a blog with your fancy electronic device on a website called Thought Leader telling white people what white privilege is. Stop this. Stop this, immediately. In fact, blogging is white privilege. Get some fucking pencils and write a letter to the paper. Actually, having paper is white privilege. Just think about your white privilege quietly in the corner. Hang on, having a corner means you have a home, which is a key aspect of white privilege. Oh fuck, I’m so confused.
*ps: please note that this column is an effort to mock the pompous tone of the Thought Leader column. If there are racists among you who want to high five me because you think I have a problem with non-white people (fuck it – white privilege alert! Ding ding ding!), you can also fuck off. In fact, you can all fuck off and do something useful for the country.
See the original piece here